Choice of Voice

It all started with two kids, a poorly thought out plan, a rope swing, and a dog.

When I got the full story on why our dog, Yoda, was hobbling around on three legs, I was far from thrilled. In addition to my own snail-paced back recovery, this was the third injury in two weeks caused by carelessness, and I had reached my boiling point. “Are you kidding me with this?” I snarked. “The last thing we need right now is a broken dog! How about you guys start thinking before you act?!” And so on and so on and blah blah blah.

Confident that I had finished my rant, the kids walked out of the room with heads hung low. I stomped in behind them to announce that our fun plans for the evening were officially cancelled since we now had to go to the stinking vet! I’m sure they were relieved when I whisked myself out of the room and shut the office door behind me to finish editing my blog post for the next day.

You know the post from last week- about demonstrating Christ-like behavior all year long. Yeah. That one.

With some smoke still shooting out of my ears, I fidgeted uncomfortably in the chair as I read my own words on the screen. And I felt like a big jerk. I hate when I act like that. I don’t always know the right response in a given situation, but I do know that the least effective one involves a raised voice and charged emotions. How long before sharp words start chipping away at our most treasured relationships? Here I was lecturing the kids on thinking before they act, when I clearly didn’t think before I spoke.

I’m not saying that my message to them wasn’t needed, it was just needed in a much different way. If I hadn’t let my mouth get ahead of my brain, I may have actually reached their hearts rather than just infusing the house with negative energy.

Dr. Laura Markham’s words on this topic really strike a chord with me. She says, “Our #1 job as parents (after safety) is to manage our own emotions.” Wow – that’s a pretty big spot right there next to safety! One of her strategies for those of us who struggle in this area, is to enlist help from our families. She refers to it as taking a vow of “yellibacy,” and suggests a bit of role reversal; the kids keep a daily “Respectful Voice” sticker chart for the parent!

Seems strange right? That’s what I thought, until I tried it. I’ve only been at this for about a week, but I’ll tell you it is really improving my mindfulness and my reactions. Like any behavior we want to improve upon, accountability is often key. The kids think it’s awesome to be on the other end of sticker distribution (my husband gets a vote too), and I love showing them that this is important to me and we’re all a work in progress.

I have quickly discovered that any problem or annoyance is only as big as my reaction to it. When I take a breath and keep my emotions, my volume, and my tone in check, little issues remain little and they disappear in a moment.

Taking that breath can be a tall order some days, so an important piece of this equation is setting clear expectations for the kids. Their consistency with responsibilities minimizes my tendency to nag, which is often where things can turn ugly. You know the old “I’ve told you a thousand times” scenario! In the same way, I need to follow through on meeting my own needs – eating well, exercising, sleeping enough, prayer, prayer, prayer! When I am depleted, I’m much more likely to react with frustration rather than respond with love.

It can be daunting to look at challenges like this and think there is no turning it around. But there’s great hope in the abundance of personal choice. As a parent, and in every other role, there are many opportunities each day to choose a “respectful voice.” As long as I remember to rely on God’s strength and not my own, I trust that my sticker chart will be filled up in no time!

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14

PS. In honor of Star Wars Day today and our sweet Yoda who is on the mend… May the Forth be with you!